It's back! Stress and Needing to Pull myself together

It's now 3:00 am and I can't seem to rest my little head alongside my bf and our puppies. So I thought I'd write an entry to keep my focus one something less harmful. My brain is on full throttle and I'm not talking about the energy drink. My suicidal thoughts are reoccurring again and this time it's bad. Like I laid in bed for a while just going over in my head ways to stab myself with a knife without hesitation. Its worse this time cause usually when I have these evil thoughts I end up in tears, but this time no tears and my face felt not affected by the images forming in my head. These thoughts could of been brought on by the event of scheduling for school in the fall. I've had the worst luck with schooling and I found out recently that I might finally get a chance to get back into school without it coming out of my pocket. Unlike my bf I wasn't blessed with wonderful parents who just want their children to focus on their education and paid for their loans, apartments, and what nots. My first two semester of college were a joke and my night job at a donut shop restrained me from doing my full potential. That was a depressing year and I had other factors that made me worse. But when I quit my job and was hoping to redo my course and work harder to bring my GPA up my college passed a new rule or whatever that requires you to meet three standards. One standard was to have a GPA above 2.0, second standard is to have not many withdraws, and the third standard is to have a 60% completion rate. If you don't meet these standards then you have to write an appeal to get your financial aid back so you can attend school or else you have to pay for it from your own pocket. If you get two appeals denied than I understood it as you weren't allowed to resubmit. So first appeal was accepted but I didn't take enough classes so it was taken away. Then I wrote and submitted another appeal and it got denied so I had to pay whatever class I could...which was one class for 800. I wanted to stay at Marshall Cause of its art education club and if I stayed in course than I would of been President of the club right now. Unfortunately I was in a horrible rent situation which lead to me not being able to afford a class this semester so I couldn't become el president but instead my position was taken by an  junior which means it'll take me a few to get back in that position. I'm dedicated to take over that club and turn it into something amazing and a real benefit for Marshall. Colleges love it when clubs do something to make the college a better place or get it some publicity. The first year the club was made it wasn't anything and it was disappointing. This club wasn't being pulled to where it could go instead it was being used as a good point on anyone's resume. I'm someone who desires the acceptance from others and I'm not talking about me following people around like a dog hoping to be pet and played with. No I mean like if I'm in a club or organization I want the fellow member with the same interest to like me. That's not so bad right. Well the people weren't the friendly type and only had one interest. Which it made it very hard for us to do any art education related as a club because they weren't the type to communicate. So three semesters were wasted trying to stay in to be a part of the club and eventually becoming the president. You can imagine my frustration and the depression that I slowly slide into. It's retarded how expensive school is and it's even more frustrating that college excepts you not to work while in school. Seriously my advisor informed me that colleges rather not have you working while in school cause they want their students to have their 100% focus on courses. The most memorable moment concerning college that ever happen would be that during the tour of the college and presentations about activities and stuff that will keep your parents worries at bay was when one presentation was about how joining a frat or sorority would be beneficial cause it's the best to have a social life in college cause that's what business love seeing in resumes, but another presentation was telling us how we need to focus everything into studying to be able to succeed in the best way in your college career. Like why would a college allow each presentation to contradict each other? My mom thought this was really funny. So how do students with poor families pay for college? Well there’s financial aid but what can you do when it is taken away. You can't do anything but save up money by working back breaking jobs to be only able to pay for one class they are expensive. My GPA is a 3.0 and I'm a hard worker so why can't I get this schooling right. So working on my schedule for fall semester has gotten me into a slump. I might finally get the chance to get back into school, but the problem is I have a full time job that I need. Which doesn't sound like to much of an issues but looking at the courses I need to get my degree is starting to look complicated because a good portion of education and art courses are offered in the mornings and afternoons. My job hours are from 8:30 to 5 pm every day besides weekends. This is a dream job with some bad parts, but those are easily over looked. I don't want to quit my job cause I need it and I refuse to quit a desk job to serving idiots at a restaurant. I'm not completely sure if my job would let me leave two hours every day to take these courses. Asking my boss would be the next step to see if he'd let me, but I get so sick when it comes to talking to people about huge issues. Like I use to make my sister talk to the land lord when it came to issues with rent because I dread the worse. It's stupid but that's how my brain works. I just personally feel like a job wouldn't want an employee to be leaving two hours a day to work towards another job. I love my job right now but this is not a job I want forever. So I'm sickly worried about the outcome of my discussion with my boss and whether or not me becoming an art educator in the future will ever become reality. I've tried talking to a couple of people about my worries in hopes of being enlightened on what I could do but that was a failure. This month has been stressful and looking for a therapist might be a good thing for tomorrow’s schedule. Maybe once I get someone who can listen and help me out in the right direction than I could get these horrible thoughts out of my head and start making myself better.

 

I feel a lot better now that I gotten it all written out and out my head. I created this blog in hopes to share with you fellow monster of my wonderful life as a shadow caster and all the wonderful out fits I make and own, but I've been turning to this blog as more of a public diary. This was never my plan for this blog but I apologize and hope that maybe by expressing what I'm going through will encourage others that everyone else has issues too. Life isn't bright and bubbly like I would want it to be but I deff am going to try and throw glitter into the wind to make it a little better.

Just for fun!

Here's awesomeness to cheer you up!

A yorkie with a cute pink bow

A yorkie driving a car

A yorkie wearing clothes from a bear

The front View of a Yorkie wearing clothes

A yorkie liking the tee

I thought these photos would make anyone happy for a second.

New Dress,pretty nails,and depression. OH MY!

So I got to show my friend around town the other day. I had to show him my favorite vintage store called, Find and Design. It's the place I go to get all my 50s ware. He was grateful enough to buy a vintage 50s baby doll dress. I loved it and it was super cheap.

It doesn't look to good on the hanger,but once put on it fit like a glove.

I got alot of comments on it when I wore it to YAM with my fellow art education club members. Looked like a total doll baby. I wish I put in my circle lens though.

I'm starting to feel alot better compared to last week when Oliver passed away. Although I have my down moments I'm still trying to keep my head held high. I even got me some new nail polish to lighten my mood.

I know the photos are kind of blurry but this nail polish is called Whimsical and it had little jewels in them so it kinda looks like a robin egg with jewels...so a magical robin egg!
I feel like this month is just the worst and I've been doing everything I can to keep myself happy and to not go back into my depressed state of mind. Just like everyone else I also suffer from depression and there are some months that are worse than others. I usually have the toughest time during the months that I had my slip up and ended up somewhere bad for like a year. My friends and family always tell me the same thing over and over again. “You’ll get over it; it's just a stage of your life."  Or "Don't dare think of doing that stuff because it's selfish." So my question to everyone reading is why do people think it's the best to treat suicidal or depressed people like children or like shit in that matter. Shouldn't you try and treat them like a bomb that might go off or should you shake it until it goes off and then tell it that it was being stupid for letting the shaking to set it off. I feel like I'm talking from my own point of prospective, but isn't it the same case with anyone with these thoughts or brain disorder? Oh and you probably don't think that depression is a brain disorder or has anything to do with a defected brain, but it actually does. You know why chocolate makes people happy for no reason? Its cause it contains a chemical that makes your brain hit the happy button for your body. Surprising some people are born with not enough of this chemical so it cause depression in the person and is usually hard to control without meds. Here would be a simple solution you might say, "Well eat more chocolate." Well it's not that easy and I personally hate chocolate...I know so not American! But it looks and smells like poop. Once again this is my own opinion and most people like chocolate. Any hoo chocolate doesn't fix the problem. It looks like I totally got off topic or where I was going with this rant...Why do people treat sad people so harsh? When someone has a boo boo doesn't mean you have to smash salt into the wound or slap it..Unless you're an evil villain or just heartless. I just don't get it. I've gone through so many times where a friend or a family member gets furious with me about the way I think or feel. Like I can't help that I'm thinking about ending my life or that I want to stay in bed and not come out. Can you at least stop being a jerk and try understanding how I feel or anyone else feels for that matter. Don't shake the crying baby! The word selfish gets thrown around too much and I don't know how to explain to someone that it's not helpful. Shouldn't people already know that? It's not like telling me to stop acting depressed or thinking about hurting me is going to switch a switch and I'll jump up like a jelly bean and smile brightly and, shout: "Okay, I'm happy now." It doesn't work that way. Like at this horrible time we need all the support we can get and being a meany head isn't support. Just hug us or tell us to hang in there. Don't ask what you can do to make us happy cause half the time we don't even know what's causing the pain. Just make us an awesome bubble bath with rubber duckie and cool boats and keep us busy. Most doctors or psychologist will say that by sitting alone gives your brain enough time to think deeply about all your issues or stuff that can relapse you back into a sad state..So bust out that clay and make pretty things or go blow bubbles in the park! Hopefully these ideas help you out with your own depression or cloudy days. If not then I'm sorry I'm not a doctor and was only trying to help. Seriously don't blame me because this stuff doesn't work for me half the time either. I don't want to say everything gets better cause that’s not completely true, but I do wanna say that even during the toughest time.Just know that someone loves you and I appreciate you breathing the same air as I do.

Just so you know my rant comes from my friend, who clearly isn't the best friend I thought he was, getting mad at me cause I didn't talk to him when I was having huge issues dealing with Olivers recent passing..WHAT A BEEF JERKY HEAD!

If you ever feel depress and just want to vent about your issues feel free to contact me whenever.

So until next time fellow monster!

Losing a little angel 4/9/13

So I've been given the delight of watching the two cutest yorkies for a month and that was in March. Their parents were supposed to be back home the first of April, but they had to stay out longer. The dad of the dogs has cancer and they were doing treatments in Chicago. I love yorkies and always wanted one so this was an amazing chance.

Oliver the boy yorkie and Chloe the girl Yorkie

So 4/9/13 the boy doggie passed away. It was the most terrible and stressful moment I ever had to go through. I even took off yesterday to try and pull myself together. I came home after work Tuesday around 5pm to do my usual routine of letting them out to peeing and hanging with them. He was acting normal and wasn't doing anything out of the usual. I got a call from my mom asking for me to come over and eat with her. I was gone for at least 40 minutes. I came back to take them to the park cause I wanted to take cute photos of them on the slide and swings. I was so excited about it. I came in to not hear Oliver barking which is unusual because he's always the first to bark. So I went to let them out and Oliver was lying down and soaked with what I think was spit up. I panic and pulled him out beside a fan. He wasn't responsive and I screamed and rushed him out of the house. It was the most terrifying moment to be holding a dog that isn't even yours and you basically became attracted to it and here it was dying in your hands. I was in tears while my boyfriend speeds down the highway towards the Animal ER. I thought he just over heated cause my bf's apartment gets warm and doesn't circulate air well. So I had a bottle of water and was dripping some on his fore head and back.  My bf kept reassuring me that everything was going to be fine and that he was just heat exhaust, but I knew this was something different. We got to the ER and they took him at once and I sat there nervously filling out the paper work. There were so many thoughts running through my head, "Was he going to live?" Did I do something to cause this?" "If I stayed with them or took them with me to Moms would he be fine?" The nurse finally came out and told me that Oliver had a seizure and they were going to give him Velum to calm him down. I was shocked and tears were building up and I felt like Alice in Wonderland who couldn't stop her tears. I automatically pulled out my phone and dialed their owner’s number to inform them the bad news. It was the worst phone call I ever had to make and her cries over the phone just made them worse. I felt so bad; I mean I must be the worst pet sitter ever to have to take the doggie to the ER. I stayed on the phone with them the whole night and even when I met up with the doctor. They informed me that he was stable and that they thought it was a disease in his brain and that they wanted to keep over night. I started to feel a little better and the owners even started to calm a little too. It seemed like everything was going to be okay and that I'd just have to start giving the little guy some medicine now on. But then the doctor came back out and asked us to go into the back.  They told us they had bad news and that Oliver died. I felt like I ate my heart and I started to cry hysterically and his mother Debbie could be heard over the phone crying loudly too. The most heart breaking moment is when an animal dies in a movie and right now I felt like it was the movie Marley and Me. It was then decided that we would drive all the way to the owner’s house and burry little Oliver and give him the best grave possible. I couldn't stop crying and it was getting harder to talk to the owners over the phone. I even held on to the over dog like a protective blanket.  This moment was where crawling under the covers and never coming out would have been the best. The owners reassured us that it wasn't our fault and that they appreciated how much we understood how losing their baby felt. They especially love the fact that we went to Wal-Mart and got the stuff for a good grave. Digging a pet grave is so hard and it was horrible that his mommy and daddy weren't there today their goodbyes. That is what made everything ten thousand time worse. I could only imagine how they felt and I even had to convince their mommy twice on how he didn't die because she left him. It was a long night that I just wish never happened and I miss the little man to pieces. The owners are still in disbelief that this happen and just hope it would be a bad nightmare. Oliver was an awesome dog who was taking a liking to me. He’d follow me around like my shadow and just had the cutest bad hair days. It’s shocking how quickly our love ones can be taken from us. I regret not taking them to the park the day before and I also regret not taking a couple photo ideas I know their owners would have loved. But most of all I regret that they weren’t here to be with him before he passed. This month is not good for me when it comes to dogs. First I lost my own dog and lucky I got her back and now this.  I give up and will need some time to get back to my usual happy and hyper self. 
So until next time my fellow monsters and I apologize for the sad story.


 R.I.P Oliver 2004-2013

2013 EVIL DEAD review

I'm a huge Horror/gore fan and I just had to see Evil Dead last night and thought it'd be nice to write a review on it. So here you go:

Whether we wanted it or not, I think we all knew that one day we'd get a remake of Evil Dead. Fans shunned and hated the idea, but once the first footage was released many changed their tunes. I tried to stay neutral about the whole thing; knowing that it'll obviously not top the original, but could very well end up being a solid horror flick. It seems that even the studio and filmmakers (including Sam Raimi himself) were confident enough to hype up the film, especially the marketing campaign claiming it'll be the "most terrifying film you'll ever experience" among other things.

Then early reviews came in that were all positive, adding even more to the hype. Was this remake really as good as many claimed it to be? I was determined to find out for myself by catching a midnight showing. I steered clear of clips and additional videos for the film and tried hard to not buy into all the hype. Going in with mediocre expectations, I came out entertained to an extent, but ultimately disappointed. It's a mixed bag, because as fun as this remake was, on top of being unintentionally funny, it brought nothing new to the table and will probably go down as one of the most hyped up horror film in years.

All the promises of "no CGI" was abolished after seeing several scenes where it was used to touch up certain aspects, but that should've been expected anyway, so I won't knock it for that. I will, however, have to comment on the marketing campaign, claiming it to be "terrifying". Maybe if you're new to the genre you may find the film scary, but the audience I was with obviously thought otherwise, as they laughed at several scenes throughout the film, which I honestly don't think were meant to be laughed at. Instead of getting chills or cries of terror, I heard chuckles and laughter, leading to a lot of scenes seeming unintentionally funny. While I personally found many aspects amusing, I didn't really find anything scary nor funny.

Though it failed in the scares department, they at least succeeded in the makeup and effects. There's one thing that was expected from this remake and that's lots of blood and gore and they definitely delivered here, almost to excess, especially towards the end. However, when it came to the look of the Deadites I still prefer the old look as opposed to this more Exorcist/possession-type they went for. Sadly, I felt like I cared more about the characters in the original than I did here, as these people seemed like nothing more than lifeless hosts. One example is with one female character that shows up later as a Deadite to give our remaining survivors trouble, where I almost forgot who that person was for a second since she was barely in the film to begin with.

I think that's just another huge negative aspect for me--not only were there no likable characters, but none of them had the charisma or charm as Bruce did with the Ash character. Obviously there was no way anyone would even come close to what Bruce gave us in the original films, but that's a large element in what made the previous flicks so great. Without such a heroic character to root for, you're just left with these bland people that you could really care less about.

As for the story--as expected, not much has changed. Aside from the reasoning behind why they're actually at the cabin (and certain guidelines in the book), everything else pretty much remains the same. In fact, the movie itself really doesn't deliver anything we haven't already seen or were already expecting, which adds a bit to my disappointment. As much as I tried to go in with few expectations, I at least hoped to find some creativity behind some of these scenes. Even the dialogue was bad to some extent. All negative aside, I still had fun with it. There's solid pacing, loads of gore, nods to the original, and some sweet practical effects. As a standalone horror film it's good, while as a remake it's somewhat disappointing (especially given all the hype), but ultimately it's a fun watch.

But Over View:

Evil Dead isn't the "terrifying" movie that it claims to be (in fact it'll probably go down as one of the most hyped up horror films in years), but it is definitely fun, gory, and simple. It doesn't really add anything new to the table, but it manages a solid pace and I had a good time with it. As a remake it's rather disappointing, but as a standalone it's not entirely bad, it just depends on how you wanna look at it. Either way, if you're just expecting loads of gore and great practical effects then you'll likely leave happy.

Hope you fellow monsters enjoied my review,but please don't let this review change your mind on seeing it or your own oppinion on the movie. I'm just letting you guys know my thought on the movie. Until next time my fellow monsters! =)

Tell me What  you thought of the Evil Dead 2013 remake?

False Camera!!

I hear all the time that I'm pretty and I honestly can't see it. I probably don't see it due to my personal opinion about my appearance and I don't mean to come off as that type of girl who post photos of herself and say that she's isn't pretty and then eagerly awaits fellow bloggers to be all like no dear you're pretty blah blah. That’s not what I want to do. Instead I rather show that I'm pretty but I take horrible photos. It takes me forever to get a good photo that I like of myself. Above is a photo that took twenty times to get what I saw in the mirror. This post is about how the camera blows and is always out to get us.

Flash Eye Lashes Review

So since I have no bills to pay and can spend my money freely, I decided it was time to buy some new false eyelashes. My friend Callie was the person to introduce and put on my first pair of eye lashes. I've always seen them at the store and never thought of getting some because I already have long full eyelashes anyways. But I love dressing up and what better way to dress up by getting that doll like eyes with bigger eyelashes. So she put them on for me and I fell in love! At first they were heavy but I eventually got use to them. Sadly that first pair of eyelashes are no longer useable. On to the next pair! I went to Wal-Mart to find another pair because I'm cheap that way. I find it's easier to buy cheap ones so you can try on different brands to see which one works best without busting the piggy bank.  Found a pair from Fashion Lashes because I love their eye lash glue. Seriously think it's the best to work with.


Also I thought it'd be nice to try on a pair that wasn't too thick. So these pair was easy to put on and usually it takes me awhile to get them the way I want them to set, but not this pair. They settle like a feather and are supper light. On a positive note they also blended with my natural eyelashes perfectly. One pair of eyelashes I’ve tried before wouldn’t except my real eye lashes are their own so it came out horrible. But here's the out come!

So rating time! 5 smileys equal awesomeness!

Comfort: :) :) :) :) :)

Packaging: :) :) :) :) :)

Because it comes with eyelash glue and a pair of those setters.

Color: :) :) :) :) :)

But it's black eyelashes so they are always great

Ability to Put on: :) :) :) :) :)

So over all I just love these set of fake eye lashes. I can't wait to try the other brand I bought.

What are your favorite brand of false eye lashes?
 I would love to hear!


Well until next time my fellow monster! =)

Moving Again!

So moving out of my awesome house last week sucked, I've been so busy and stressed with getting the move done and over with. So last week at the house I was basically the only one living there because my sister and her bf already got a pad of their own. It was super nice to wake up and enjoy not hearing them or seeing their crap everywhere. But with it only being me in the house that meant I had to start getting my stuff packed. When we first moved into the house I didn't unpack a whole lot which was a life saver cause that made everything easier. The one thing I didn't really want to pack was my ferret cage. I love the stinky fluff butts but their cage has been difficult to clean lately and I'm starting to feel like it's time to get a new cage. My second worst thing to pack was my clothes! I seriously have so many clothes that I don't even recognize a good bit of them. So that's my next project, get rid of the clothes I never wear. With all this moving I still managed to get all the laundry done including my sister's and her boyfriend's clothes. That was a celebrating within its self. After all the stress I'm glad it's over and I'm especially going to enjoy the summer of not paying bills. Maybe a shopping spree is needed in the near future. I was so hoping to do this whole post on how to pack and some ideas that could make packing easy for anyone in the future but I was in a time crunch. On a bright side I did find out that if you have a rolling suitcase then it's best to put your heavy books or whatever in their cause it's easier to work with cause boxes brake and are hard to carry. Hey! I guess I did manage to post at least one helpful hint for future references. All this apartment crap just makes me realize that I'd whether be a kid for a little longer. So don't grow up!

Until next time my fellow Monsters!