It's now 3:00 am and I can't seem to rest my little head alongside my bf and our puppies. So I thought I'd write an entry to keep my focus one something less harmful. My brain is on full throttle and I'm not talking about the energy drink. My suicidal thoughts are reoccurring again and this time it's bad. Like I laid in bed for a while just going over in my head ways to stab myself with a knife without hesitation. Its worse this time cause usually when I have these evil thoughts I end up in tears, but this time no tears and my face felt not affected by the images forming in my head. These thoughts could of been brought on by the event of scheduling for school in the fall. I've had the worst luck with schooling and I found out recently that I might finally get a chance to get back into school without it coming out of my pocket. Unlike my bf I wasn't blessed with wonderful parents who just want their children to focus on their education and paid for their loans, apartments, and what nots. My first two semester of college were a joke and my night job at a donut shop restrained me from doing my full potential. That was a depressing year and I had other factors that made me worse. But when I quit my job and was hoping to redo my course and work harder to bring my GPA up my college passed a new rule or whatever that requires you to meet three standards. One standard was to have a GPA above 2.0, second standard is to have not many withdraws, and the third standard is to have a 60% completion rate. If you don't meet these standards then you have to write an appeal to get your financial aid back so you can attend school or else you have to pay for it from your own pocket. If you get two appeals denied than I understood it as you weren't allowed to resubmit. So first appeal was accepted but I didn't take enough classes so it was taken away. Then I wrote and submitted another appeal and it got denied so I had to pay whatever class I could...which was one class for 800. I wanted to stay at Marshall Cause of its art education club and if I stayed in course than I would of been President of the club right now. Unfortunately I was in a horrible rent situation which lead to me not being able to afford a class this semester so I couldn't become el president but instead my position was taken by an junior which means it'll take me a few to get back in that position. I'm dedicated to take over that club and turn it into something amazing and a real benefit for Marshall. Colleges love it when clubs do something to make the college a better place or get it some publicity. The first year the club was made it wasn't anything and it was disappointing. This club wasn't being pulled to where it could go instead it was being used as a good point on anyone's resume. I'm someone who desires the acceptance from others and I'm not talking about me following people around like a dog hoping to be pet and played with. No I mean like if I'm in a club or organization I want the fellow member with the same interest to like me. That's not so bad right. Well the people weren't the friendly type and only had one interest. Which it made it very hard for us to do any art education related as a club because they weren't the type to communicate. So three semesters were wasted trying to stay in to be a part of the club and eventually becoming the president. You can imagine my frustration and the depression that I slowly slide into. It's retarded how expensive school is and it's even more frustrating that college excepts you not to work while in school. Seriously my advisor informed me that colleges rather not have you working while in school cause they want their students to have their 100% focus on courses. The most memorable moment concerning college that ever happen would be that during the tour of the college and presentations about activities and stuff that will keep your parents worries at bay was when one presentation was about how joining a frat or sorority would be beneficial cause it's the best to have a social life in college cause that's what business love seeing in resumes, but another presentation was telling us how we need to focus everything into studying to be able to succeed in the best way in your college career. Like why would a college allow each presentation to contradict each other? My mom thought this was really funny. So how do students with poor families pay for college? Well there’s financial aid but what can you do when it is taken away. You can't do anything but save up money by working back breaking jobs to be only able to pay for one class they are expensive. My GPA is a 3.0 and I'm a hard worker so why can't I get this schooling right. So working on my schedule for fall semester has gotten me into a slump. I might finally get the chance to get back into school, but the problem is I have a full time job that I need. Which doesn't sound like to much of an issues but looking at the courses I need to get my degree is starting to look complicated because a good portion of education and art courses are offered in the mornings and afternoons. My job hours are from 8:30 to 5 pm every day besides weekends. This is a dream job with some bad parts, but those are easily over looked. I don't want to quit my job cause I need it and I refuse to quit a desk job to serving idiots at a restaurant. I'm not completely sure if my job would let me leave two hours every day to take these courses. Asking my boss would be the next step to see if he'd let me, but I get so sick when it comes to talking to people about huge issues. Like I use to make my sister talk to the land lord when it came to issues with rent because I dread the worse. It's stupid but that's how my brain works. I just personally feel like a job wouldn't want an employee to be leaving two hours a day to work towards another job. I love my job right now but this is not a job I want forever. So I'm sickly worried about the outcome of my discussion with my boss and whether or not me becoming an art educator in the future will ever become reality. I've tried talking to a couple of people about my worries in hopes of being enlightened on what I could do but that was a failure. This month has been stressful and looking for a therapist might be a good thing for tomorrow’s schedule. Maybe once I get someone who can listen and help me out in the right direction than I could get these horrible thoughts out of my head and start making myself better.
I feel a lot better now that I gotten it all written out and out my head. I created this blog in hopes to share with you fellow monster of my wonderful life as a shadow caster and all the wonderful out fits I make and own, but I've been turning to this blog as more of a public diary. This was never my plan for this blog but I apologize and hope that maybe by expressing what I'm going through will encourage others that everyone else has issues too. Life isn't bright and bubbly like I would want it to be but I deff am going to try and throw glitter into the wind to make it a little better.
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